Bank Robbers Scripts

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Bank Robbers

"Bank Robbers"

Written By Bill Higley

CAST:
Slick: Bill
Davey: Guy
Henry: Kirk
Josh: Ash

Scene: One man, Slick, stands behind a podium to addressing three other people

Slick: Alright, I've brought you here to this meeting because you're the best and the brightest, and because I know most of your first names from math class. What I'm proposing a shock you. If you choose to accept my proposition, I can not guarantee your safety, nor can I promise success, however, if we do succeed we will be richer than any of you have ever dreamed. Are you willing?

Others [half-heartedly ] : Well , okay , yes , I guess so.

Slick: Good. I propose we rob a bank.

[There is a bit of discouraging mumbling. Davy raises his hand.]

Slick: Yes! Danny?

Davy: It's Davey.

Slick: Right, right. Davey. Yes?

Davey: What kind of a bank?

Slick: Ahhh... a good question. The kind with money in it.

[mumbling turns into a more encouraging murmur.]

Slick: Here's the plan. [Slick pulls out a large stack of paper.] First, I will walk into the bank and stand in the line waiting to be helped. Then, precisely 45 seconds later, you, Henry, will come in and pretend to be filling out a deposit slip with one of the bank's pens. Josh, you will walk in 26 seconds after Henry and pretend to be interested in the plastic fauna.

[Josh raises his hand.]

Josh: What is fauna?

Slick: Those are the plastic plants in the bank.

Josh: Why would I be interested in plastic plants?

Slick: It says here, you're "Pretending to be interested in the plastic fauna." It's not imperative that you're actually a connoisseur of the art, although checking out a book or two from the library on the subject wouldn't hurt. All right. Next, Henry will disable the security guard and I will begin to...

Henry: With a minute!

Slick: Yes, Henry.

Henry: How am I supposed to disabled a security guard?

Slick: Quietly. We don't want to arouse suspicion.

Henry: What am I supposed to disable him with?

Slick: I refer you back to page 2 here where it says, "Filling out a deposit slip with one of the bank's pens".

Henry: I'm supposed to disable the security guard... Quietly... With a pen?!

Slick: Yes, that's the plan. Is that going to be a problem?

Henry: [pause] I may need two pens.

Slick: Okay. "Filling out a deposit slip with one or more of the bank's pens."

[Davey raises his hand.]

Slick: Yes, Derek?

Davey: It's Davey.

Slick: Right, right, Davey.

Davey: What am I supposed to be doing during this time?

Slick: Oh. Good question. Let me see... [he flips through the pages] it doesn't seem to be here. To be honest I didn't think this many people would show up. Let's see... Are you by any chance a connoisseur of plastic plants?

Davy: Not really.

Slick: Hmmm... That's too bad. Do you enjoy chocolate mints?

Davey: Do I?!

Slick: Wonderful. You will go in after Josh and begin eating the complementary chocolate mints . When you are approached you will ask where the restroom is, and anxiously grab your genitals.

Davey: Gotcha.

Slick: Okay. Good. At this point, I will get to the front of the line and hand the teller a note which reads, "Hello, the handsome man in front of you is carrying a gun. If you do not fill a bag with cash, you and the person standing next you will be shot."

Josh: That seems a bit harsh. Maybe you should cut out the "Person standing next to you" part. I mean, shooting two people is a little extreme, don't you think?

Henry and Davey: Yeah, yeah , I thought that too.

Slick: Okay, taking out the "Person standing next to you".

Henry: Oh, and definitely take out "Handsome".

Davey and Josh: Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Slick: [angrily] Fine, fine, no more "Handsome".

[Davey raises his hand.]

Slick: Dickey?

Davey: It's Davey. Like Davey Jones.

Slick: Who the hell is Davey Jones?

Davey: You know, the Monkee.

Slick: I wasn't aware monkeys had names.

Davey: No, no, like the band. "Hey hey we're the Monkees. People say we monkey around."

Slick: [Interrupting] Oh my God, there are singing monkeys!? Screw this bank thing, we should steal those.

Josh: No, no, I think they're all dead.

Henry: No, they're not.

Slick: We can't take that chance. Back to the plan.

[Davey raises his hand]

Slick: Monkey-boy.

Davey: It's Davey.

Slick: Whatever.

Davey: Do you think maybe the shooting the teller is a good idea at all?

Slick: I don't actually shoot the teller, I just say that on the note.

Josh: I think that's a little forward.

Henry: Yeah, change it to slapping.

Slick: What?

Davey: Yeah, and maybe the money isn't such a good idea either.

Slick: What else are we going to get?

Davey: Chocolate mints.

Henry: And pens!

Josh: Oh, and what if they don't have a bag to put the mints in. Maybe we should change it to trash can. They always have that next to their desk.

Davey: What about the gun?

Josh and Henry: [disapprovingly] Ooooo.

Slick: Hello! Man with the plan here! Standing up front! Speaking! That's better. OK. OK. The new plan. I will get to the front of the line and hand the teller a note which reads, "Hello, the man in front of you is holding the gun..."

Josh: Yeah , that's not good. Let's take out the gun. It's a little... I don't know... Too much.

Henry and Davey: Yeah, yeah.

Slick: Fine. "Hello, there is a man in front of you. If you do not fill your trash receptacle with chocolate mints ..."

Henry: And pens!

Slick: "If you do not fill your trash receptacle with chocolate mints and pens you will be slapped."

Josh, Henry, and Davey: Perfect, great, good, I love it.

Slick: At this point, we will take the chocolate mints and pens out to the car where we will drive to an abandoned warehouse and divvy the up the loot.

Davey: Did you just say Davey up the loot?

Slick: No, I said divvy up the loot.

Henry: What the hell does divvy mean?

Slick: It means split it up.

Josh: What if we just meet here?

Slick: The plan says an abandoned warehouse and my pen is all out of ink so I can't change it.

Josh, Henry, and Davey: Oh, okay, that makes sense, well then.

Slick: Should we go for it, right now?

Josh: I was going to check out some books on plastic plants.

Slick: Good point. How about Wednesday?

Josh and Henry: Yeah, that will work, that's OK.

[Davey raises his hand.]

Slick: Davey!

Davey: It's Davey.

Slick: That's what I said.

Davey: Oh, I was just so used to you messing it up that...

Slick: What is it?

Davey: Can you explain the gun thing again?

Slick: Let me put this in terms you can understand... You're a moron! Now, let me explain the gun thing. There is no gun. Not even in the note.

Davey: Okay, good.

Slick: It's agreed. We will all meet back here Wednesday armed with an intense knowledge of plastic fauna, fountain pens, and a tremendous appetite for chocolate mints. Meeting adjourned.

Bank Robbers

CAST: