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When Plants Attack!

"When Plants Attack!"

Written By Bill Higley

©2001 by Guy Perrelet and Bill Higley. All rights reserved. None of this material may be performed, reproduced, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of Guy Perrelet and Bill Higley.

Announcer: Hello, and welcome to the show. You may have seen our specials as "When Animals Attack", "When Cars Attack", or "When Animals Attack II", but today we bring you a very different kind of special. Today, we will find out what happens When Plants Attack.

[Booming music and title in big flashing bloody letters, "When Plants Attack" ]

Announcer: We see plants everyday, and often take for granted just what kind of horror can ensue when plants attack. We will be examining the more malicious aspect of plants today, and the causes behind this nature. We will be seeing everything from the mostly harmless plant scidicus invisiblus, [points in front of where's he's walking] the Common Invisible Bush to the murderous... [trips on invisible bush, close-up where announcer is in obvious pain] to the murderous North American Attacking Pine.

Voiceover: This footage was taken by Phyllis Deacon of Eastbinger, England, in the dangerous Tristan Forest. [shows a man trudging along the ground] On his left is the North American Attacking Pine, about to strike. The Attacking Pine does this by throwing pinecones at high velocity toward it's target. [the man is pelted with pine cones until he is dead on the ground. ]

Interviewer: We have with us today, a survivor from an assault by the Attacking Pine. Can you tell us what happened, sir?

Sir: Certainly. It was a fine day and I was taking a short walk in order to find the most supreme place for my picnic. Suddenly, as I was walking, I felt a bump on the shoulder. I looked up and there it was, launching pinecones at me. I dropped my picnic basket and ran.

Interviewer: Is that it?

Sir: Yes, I believe so.

Interviewer: We still have a few seconds before the interview's over. Are you sure there was nothing else interesting?

Sir: I'm sure.

Interviewer: [pause] What were you having for picnic?

Sir: A sandwich.

Interviewer: What kind?

Sir: Tuna. Maybe, or was it ham'n'cheese?

Announcer: [The announcer has bandages from the last time, when he tripped, and a cast/sling on one arm.] We are all familiar with the Venus flytrap, but the largest specimen is never large enough to eat more than insects or small animals. Much more dangerous is the Chinese Finger Trap, which we have here. [Closeup of the Chinese Finger Trap. As he's pointing, the Trap grabs his finger. Cut back to show him in a lot of pain. He says the following gritting his teeth.] As hard as it is to believe, there are much more painful plants, like the Constricting Thornvine, or the Clubbing Oak. [He pries the trap off, finally, and talks normally.] Today's footage is of the Timber Tree.

Voiceover: This rare footage of a timber tree in action is a jewel, indeed. Many people have had the experience of a branch hitting them on the head, but here we see the Timber Tree intentionally dropping it's branches upon an unsuspecting passerby.

Passerby: [bad acting] My, what a large tree. I surely hope it doesn't drop any of it's branches on me. [a branch falls out of the tree and hits him on the head. He falls down.]

Interviewer: Here with us is esteemed arboriculture expert, Dr. Christopher Brown. Mr. Brown, what do you think of the footage we just saw?

Dr. Brown: I think it's totally fake. What is this?

Interviewer: Why do you think the tree dropped its branch on the unsuspecting passerby?

Dr. Brown: Because it was rigged to fall on him. The footage is fake. I saw someone cut the branch just as he was saying "I surely hope it doesn't drop any of it's branches on me."

Interviewer: So you believe the plant's attack was random?

Dr. Brown: No! I think it was set-up, a sham, a farcical rendition, a fraud, a swindle, a fake!

Interviewer: And why do you think the tree does it so often?

Dr. Brown: I don't know what you're talking about.

Interviewer: So, you're saying the tree does this on accident?

Dr. Brown: That's it. I'm leaving.

Interviewer: How does that explain it's accuracy?

[Brown gets up and leaves.]

Interviewer: And what of the Attacking Pine?

Announcer: [He has bandages and cast/sling from falling on his face, and a big bandage on his hand from the Chinese Finger Trap.] Many things remain a mystery to us, like how a plant grows toward the sun, or how it converts sunlight into energy. One of the greatest my...[He trips on the Invisible Bush. Mumbling.] Damn Invisible Bush. [He gets up.] One of the greatest mysteries in the plant kingdom is the Mugging Fern.

Voiceover: This footage, anonymously sent to us by Carol Hastings of North Carolina, speaks for itself.

Fern: Give me all your money!

Jesse: Okay, okay.

Fern: NOW!

Jesse: [Throws money into the bush and runs.]

Interviewer: We are also pleased to welcome Jesse to our show, who has also been in an encounter with the Mugging Fern. Can you tell us what happened?

Jesse: I was just walking, and then, like, y'know, there was this voice, from, like, inside the bush, and it said, like, "Gimme all your money" and I said, "Like, dude, hold on," and it screamed "NOW" and I gave it all my money and just, like, ran.

Interviewer: How did that make you feel?

Jesse: It was really scary, and I still have bad dreams about these ferns coming after me, and they're yelling ... [Jesse has broken down and is crying. Announcer moves in and lets Jesse cry on his shoulder.]

Interviewer: There, there. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

Scene X : Outdoors

Announcer: [Announcer is in bandages, cast/sling, bandage around hand, and has blood stains everywhere.] As a real treat, we have a short clip, which involves the most dastardly of them all, palmus homicidus, the Murdering Palm.

Scene XI : Murdering Palm

[While walking on a roof, someone is just thrown off the roof.]

Announcer: A cactus has it's spikes, a evergreen it's needles, and a rose it's thorns. One of the most menacing plants is that of the engulfing Thornbush. An animal can easily get himself permanently trapped in it's brambles. That animal might even be a human.

[pause]

Crew: We don't have that footage.

Announcer: [smiles to camera] What do you mean we don't have the footage?

Crew: We lost it.

Announcer: What do we have?

Crew: A rather nasty clip of someone pricking their finger on a rose.

Announcer: Run it! [smiles to camera, again]

Voiceover: These bushes have millions of thorns. Scott Farmus has become caught in the dangerous, and sometimes deadly, Thornbush. [A guy simply pricks his finger on a thorn and puts his finger in his mouth.]

Interviewer: Back with us, is the venerated Dr. Brown. Now, Mr. Brown, how do you explain these violent tendencies?

Fake Brown: Well... obviously... it's ... they're very mad.

Interviewer: [Interviewer is fascinated.] Really? Mad?

Fake Brown: Well, yes! It's because of the rain forests.

Interviewer: I believe you are referring to the destruction of the Amazon Rain Forests?

Fake Brown: Yes, that's right.

Interviewer: How would you explain the recent rise in these attacks?

Fake Brown: Fish.

Interviewer: Excuse me.

Fake Brown: Ummm... I'm sorry, I meant to say birds.

Interviewer: Birds, then?

Fake Brown: Yes, very small birds.

Interviewer: You aren't Dr. Brown, are you?

Fake Brown: Yes!

Interviewer: Really?

Fake Brown: [in shame] No.

Announcer: That's all the time we have for this episode of "When Plants Attack. I hope you've enjoyed our show. Please join us next time for our special, "World's Wildest Bingo Games", and remember: next time you're walking through a forest... be careful. Good-night.

[As he's walking toward the camera, he trips on the Invisible Bush. He falls into a larger bush and sound effects of munching end the show.]

"When Plants Attack!" / Written By Bill Higley / ©2001 by Guy Perrelet and Bill Higley. All rights reserved. None of this material may be performed, reproduced, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of Guy Perrelet and Bill Higley.