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"News Show Parody"
Written By Guy Perrelet
©2001 by Guy Perrelet and Bill Higley. All rights reserved. None of this material may be performed, reproduced, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of Guy Perrelet and Bill Higley.
CAST: |
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Bob O'Brian (A1): Kirk |
Jesus Dreckman (FR2): Bill |
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Phil Stevens (A2): Guy |
Richard Smegma (Ricky): Ash |
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Hal Fishman (FR1): Brian |
Dr. James Stevenson (Dr.): Brian |
[ Starts off with an on-screen graphic reading "The News" with Hard Copy - type music. ]
A1: (2 shot) Good evening everyone, and welcome to the 12 o' clock edition of 10 news at 5, on channel 3, I'm Bob O'Brian.
A2: (2 shot) And filling in for the replacement substitute for Abraham Fitzgerald, I'm Phil Stevens.
A1: (1 shot) And now, here are our top stories: A fire broke out in an abandoned liquid-nitrogen mine last night, killing thousands and injuring more than 20 people. We'll have those numbers later in the broadcast. Also, "Is your hotel room safe?", a special report by Hal Fishman. And, the dramatic rescue of a dog stuck in a well. -- All that and more, coming up, right after this commercial break.
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[ Hard Copy music again -- fade into 2 shot -- shows both anchors shuffling papers. ]
A1: (2 shot) Hello, and welcome back to the 12 o' clock edition of 10 news at 5, on channel 3, I'm Bob O'Brian.
A2: (2 shot) And I'm Phil Stevens. The time - 8:45. (1 shot) A fire broke out in an abandoned liquid-nitrogen mine last night [ Insert footage of fire and explosions. ], killing 1,842 miners and injuring 28 civilians. It is not yet known how the fire started, but the police suspect an exploded napalm bomb, due to the exploded napalm bomb shell found at the center of the explosion, along with a note, reading: "Ha-Ha. Eat this napalm bomb, you liquid-nitrogen-mining expletives." Again, the police have not yet determined the cause of the fire, but they suspect that it might have been started by a terrorist, or terrorists, by setting off a napalm bomb in the core of the liquid nitrogen mine. (1 shot) We'll have exclusive coverage throughout the broadcast of this tragedy, and we'll update you on any breakthroughs in this investigation. (2 shot) [Pause] Quite the blazing inferno.
A1: (2 shot) Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha...Quite. (1 shot) "Is your hotel room safe?" That question was answered by our own Hal Fishman. Hal!?
[ Cut to field reporter ]
FR1: Thanks, Bobo.
[ Shot of A1 glaring at the monitor]
FR1: [Pause] Brian. Many people have asked me "Hal, is my hotel room safe?". Well, the answer is... yes. Bob!?
A1: (1 shot) Thanks Hal, now here are some things YOU can do to insure that your hotel room is, in fact, safe --
[ Go to graphic]
A1: ONE. When not in room, close and lock the door. TWO. Do not open the door to anyone identifying themselves as a type of produce. THREE. Do not put a sign on your door reading: "I dare you to kill me and take my car" with a key to the room and a gun attached to the sign. And FOUR. Do not stay at a hotel where the manager's name is Bill, Elmer, Jean-Baptiste De Merde, Mephistopheles, (makes clicking sounds w/ tongue), Richens, Jesus (pronounced hay-soos), or who's last name is Dreckman. It is also wise to not to trust anyone who's wearing two hats and/or a red armband.
A2: (2 shot) Those are very useful, and very true.
A1: (2 shot) They are. (1 shot) And with that, we go live to a dramatic rescue of a dog stuck in a well; and there covering this dramatic event is Jesus Dreckman. Jesus!?
FR2: [Wearing 2 hats and a red armband] Thanks Bobo.
[ Shows A1 again glaring at the monitor -- a little more animated]
FR2: [Pause] Brian. I'm here live at this dramatic rescue of a dog stuck in a well. The firemen and rescue workers have been working feverishly to free the dog from the narrow opening. Right now they are trying to slip a noose around the dog's body, to pull him from the tight clutches of the well. [Puts finger in ear] Wait a minute...OK... OK, I've just received word that they have gotten the noose around the dog, and are ready to pull him out. [FR2 and camera man go over to the well surrounded by rescue workers]
[Shows rescue workers straining on the rope -- they do a 1,2,3 pull -- the dog goes flying into the air, and lands with a thud (hundreds) of feet away. ]
FR2: Oh my GOD! Uhh...We'll have more coverage for you, right after we find the dog. Bobo?
[ A1 grows increasingly annoyed every time someone says that, and gets more and more animated]
A1: (2 shot) [Annoyed] Thanks Jesus. In other news, some guy in Europe died, and weather with our special guest meteorologist, Dr. James Stevenson [Doctor! sound], plus, a suspected bank robber is on the loose; we'll have the full stories for you, coming up, right after I change camera angles. [Looks to other camera] We're back! And for those of you just joining us, I'm Bob...O'Brian.
A2: (2 shot) [Mosaic over face] And I know who put the hit on the Vandretti brothers. (1 shot) [Mosaic off] Some important guy in Europe died last night [Show crime scene (e.g. police tape, lights, cops, etc.)], and all the news shows in America will have extensive coverage of his funeral...Except us. All we know is that he was somewhat important, had a large hat and walking stick, spoke about 40 different languages, visits poor countries and parades around in a little phone booth on some sort of "religious crusade". We do not know for sure, what his name is, but our sources tell us that he might have had some religious background in Italy. We wont have any more information for you on that story, because we're about real news [Pause] The news that affects you.
A1: (1 shot) Well put. Have you seen this man? [Go to graphic of worthless drawing of suspect] He is wanted on suspicion of robbery, of a local bank, which had already been robbed earlier that day. He got away with $2 in cash, 6 free pens, and 75¢ worth of postcards. Witnesses say, that wile making his escape, the bandit dropped a money clip holding over $250. Authorities say that the money will go to the bank, to replace the free pens and postcards, and to install a new security system. (1 shot) If you have any further information about the robbery, please contact America's Dumbest Criminals at 1-800-Dumb-Crook.
A2: (2 shot) And now we'll turn it over to Richard Smegma with sports. Rich!?
Ricky: Thanks Phil. MAGIC. That unpopular card game, is turning into a nationally unpopular card game. In fact, just yesterday, the very first televised Magic game was held, in Hillcrest, CA. How about that! In fact, after this show, we will be showing that game, that was taped from yesterday's live broadcast. Here's a clip. [Show 2 people playing magic -- Announcers with golf voices] Boy-o-boy, can't wait for that one. In other local sports, the Gulls lost, the Chargers lost, and the Padres have disbanded just in time for the new stadium. That's it for sports news. Phil!?
A1: (2 shot) Thanks Dickie.
A2: (2 shot) Yeah, thanks Ricardo. Coming up next, on the 12 o' clock edition of 10 news at 5, on channel 3, we'll have a live weather report from our special guest meteorologist, Dr. James Stevenson [Doctor! sound], and: Another war in the middle east! That's all coming up next, right after I shuffle these papers. [Shuffles papers] We're back! And for those of you just joining us, I'm Phil Stevens.
A1: (2 shot) And I'm the Walrus, and this is the 12 o' clock edition of 10 news at 5, on channel 3.
A2: (1 shot) There's more war in the middle east, and it could spell trouble for America. There is a supposed nuclear missile on its way to the US, right now, which could kill hundreds of thousands of people. For the full story, tune in next Thursday, right here on channel 3.
A1: (2 shot) And now the weather, with our special guest meteorologist, Dr. James Stevenson!
[Doctor! sound]
Dr: [At weather map (board) ] Hello, everybody! I'm Dr. James Stevenson [Doctor! sound], and here's my weather report! I predict a 98% chance of a large Nsunami crushing all of San Diego County within the next 20 minutes. Tomorrow: fire and brimstone, and for the weekend: the apocalypse. Other than that, It'll be another beautiful day, here in southern CA. Lets take a look at the current temperatures: [ switches board ], it's 56û right now at Lindbergh Field...But, since nobody lives at the airport, we'll just get rid of that. [Throws the 56û sticker away] Let's go to the satellite picture. [ Really bad-looking animation of weather movement ] You see, there's a cold front m-moving... mov... [Pause] Well. That's just about the biggest piece of god-awful crap I've ever seen. Get that off of there! [Remove animation ] Well, that's it from here in the weather center. Back to you guys in the studio.
A2: (2 shot) Thanks Dr.
A1: (2 shot) Thanks Dr., Well, that wraps up this edition of the 12 o' clock edition of 10 news at 5, on channel 3, and until next time: Good-night.
A2: Good-night.
"News Show Parody" / Written By Guy Perrelet / ©2001 by Guy Perrelet and Bill Higley. All rights reserved. None of this material may be performed, reproduced, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of Guy Perrelet and Bill Higley.